The 40th night was the worst of all.

I’m currently in the middle of finals week for my summer college classes.  After several all-night study sessions, I was dead tired.  So last night, I downed two cans of Rockstar energy drink and struggled to stay awake.  It worked: I managed to finish cramming for the final chapter by midnight.

The downside: I. Could. Not. Sleep.

From 12:00 till 4:00 am, I lay awake in bed, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling in the dark, and desperately hoping for the caffeine to wear off so I could finally get some rest.  Those four hours were the longest I have spent in ages. My thoughts were racing from the chemicals, my emotions were all over the map, and when I crashed, I crashed hard. And I would have given anything, ANYTHING, to have my iPod back … just for a small distraction from my troubled mind.

But in the end, I finally got some sleep … and woke up just in time to make it to class and write my exam.

* * * * *

So what did I learn from this whole experiment?

• Drinking Rockstar right before bedtime is a bad idea.
• More importantly: Using my iPod is a choice, not a curse.  After spending years caught up in a daily podcast habit, I’ve proven to myself that I can live without the iPod for almost six whole weeks.  This is a real breakthrough! If I can do this, I can do anything.

* * * * *

(Next habit to overcome:  my blog-reading addiction! One day soon…)

Now that I’ve been off the iPod for this long … do I really want it back?  And do I really want to start listening to Christian radio again?

I thought that quitting my audio habit would be scary, but picking it up again seems even worse.  If I put the headphones back on, if I fall back into the mind-numbing tranquility of familiar voices, I’ll lose everything I’ve gained by breaking free:

• peace and quiet
• freedom to think clearly
• awareness of sounds and nature
• escape from agendas, preaching, and propaganda
• self-determination and self-control
• facing my fear of the unknown

It’s reasonable to say that on day 41, I will be going on a podcast binge as soon as I get my iPod back.  It’s as if I’ve been on the Cabbage Soup diet for a month, and all I can think of is a big juicy McDonald’s hamburger with fries and a Coke.  And yet, that hamburger will sit in my stomach like a lead weight.  Those Christian radio shows are junk food for my mind; they are unhealthy for me to listen to, and in the end, they will make me sick.  I might go back and tune in for a day or two, but it won’t last forever.

Before starting this project, I was convinced that giving up my audio habit would be flat-out impossible.  Life without a constant stream of chatter in my ears?  That was inconceivable.  How would I exist without it?  How would I cope with the silence?  Would I go insane?

As it turns out, there was no silence.  And I did not go insane.

I thought that taking off my headphones would trap me in stillness, like being locked in a soundproof booth.  Instead, I was free to roam in a world of noise.

There is always something to listen to, if you pay attention. Even in the quietest rooms of a house, there is often a ticking clock, or a humming appliance, or the bubble-and-clink of a water heater.  Opening a window brings in early-morning birdsong, rain splashing on the sidewalk, and the distant rumble of traffic.

These sounds are not good or bad; they have no labels, no affiliations. They simply exist, as neutral vibrations in the air.

And after years of subjecting myself to radio voices, telling me what to believe, how to live, and who to vote for … it’s such a relief to stop, and sit still, and listen to the sounds of the earth.  The natural world has no agenda.  It just is.

At this moment, I have 79 unplayed podcast episodes in my iTunes queue.  That’s 2.2 days, or almost 53 hours of audio.   These 79 episodes are just sitting there … taunting me.  And this is after only two weeks! Can you imagine the backlog after the full 40 days are up?

In any case, here are a few tempting radio programs that will have to wait.

CrossTalk America, July 16, 2009

“Is Focus on the Family lurching to the ‘left’? Have they adopted a postmodern worldview and are they seeking to simply have a conversation and dialogue on the critical matters of our day? This is the topic of discussion as Brannon Howse examines the ideological turn that appears to be taking place at Focus on the Family since Jim Daly has taken over the presidency from Dr. James Dobson.”

You can tell how far to the right Brannon Howse is, if he thinks Focus on the Family is a bunch of liberals.

The Albert Mohler Program, July 16, 2009 – “Hip-hop in the Name of Christ”

“Hip-hop and rap music have incredible sway and influence in culture today.  How can Christians use this powerful art-form to bring glory to God and see Christ exalted in the life of the Church?  Christians are called to do everything they can for the glory of God, including art and rap music.  Listen as Dr. Moore discusses the importance of Christian hip-hop with his guest LeCrae.”

Somehow, I have a hard time picturing a conservative codger like Dr. Mohler giving a rap artist the time of day.  If Al starts saying things like “fo’ shizzle” on the air, I will die laughing.

The Gary DeMar Show:  Gary has been doing back-to-back interviews with various conservative/dominionist speakers who will be presenting at an American Vision conference this July. Two notable guests:

• July 6, 2009:  Interview with Joseph Farah – founder of Christian news website WorldNet Daily … or as it’s often called, WingNut Daily.  Your one-stop-shop for right-wing conspiracy theories about Barack Obama.
• July 7, 2009: Interview with Kevin Swanson – homeschool advocate, host of Generations Radio in Colorado, and father of five modestly-dressed children who respect their elders.  Firmly believes that Western civilization is going to hell-in-a-handbasket.  I have listened to his show and it is positively vitriolic.

Something tells me I should really delete all 79 episodes, unsubscribe to all my podcasts, and just start over fresh – otherwise, how can I really say I’ve kicked the Christian radio habit? Then again, if I just read the episode summaries, I feel like I’m still connected, like I’m not completely out of the loop.

BlackgirlinMaine describes how taking a break from the Internet helped improve her relationship with her spouse:

Last week, it hit me that I need to really limit my time online. So this weekend I did just that and guess what? The result was a level of connection that I have not had in a long time, so much so that I found myself wondering how many of us use the internet to avoid dealing with those less than perfect things in our lives? …  So if I go MIA for a while it most likely means I have unplugged so that I can plug into those who are most important to me. If you don’t have relationship issues but are just feeling overwhelmed with the pace of life, I strongly advice unplugging, summer is here, get off the computer and enjoy some nature.

Krystle, a student in the Philippines, explains why she started blogging:

I’ve grown maliciously addicted to blogs. I go on reading frenzies that take up an enormous amount of time, finding myself in the midst of a jungle of words and images, only realizing hours later that I’ve totally missed my class…. Its AWESOME, and its awesomeness is ruining my life! But… you know what they say. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

And Elizabeth, a yoga teacher in South Carolina, has given herself a 1-week challenge -

I, Elizabeth Cooper, will practice mindfulness online during the next seven days by using a notebook to write down every task I am doing online, and only do that task. If I feel distracted (like I need to follow that link to that cool site to download that awesome podcast, for example) I will simply note, on paper, the desire, and come back to it in the future during a predetermined online “play time.” … I will use this method both at work and at home.

(Using the notebook to capture distractions is a great idea – I will have to try this soon!  Maybe it will help with my iPod addiction as well as my blog habit…)

Hope you find these stories helpful – I know I did!  I will link to others as I come across them.

Sometimes, I wake up early in the morning, while it’s still dark, and can’t fall back to sleep.  Normally, I would plug in my iPod and catch up on some podcasts, in hopes that the talking heads would help me zone out for a while.  Nowadays, it’s different; I’ve been using this time to think … really think … about what I want to do with my life.

• I picture my dream house and imagine myself painting the walls and filling the rooms with artwork and furniture.
• I see myself walking across the stage in the college auditorium to receive my degree.
• I wander the streets of a city half-way around the world where my great-grandparents were born.
• I think of all the books ever written that I want to read before my life is through.
• I wonder if I’ll be writing my own masterpiece, someday – even if I’m the only one who ever reads it.

With all these goals to accomplish, it’s clear that I have to make time to work on them.  And of course you know what that means … I need to stop wasting time on the Internet and actually do something productive!    If I take one small step towards my goals every day, I will be so much closer to achieving them a year from now.

Day 12: A few days ago, I mentioned how I tried to cut back on my blog reading, by deleting all of my subscribed feeds (except for five).  This is not working.  For one thing, I’m still checking my blog reader obsessively, clicking on the “refresh” button every few minutes.  For another thing, I have memorized most of my favorite websites, so instead of going to the blog feed, I just go directly to the homepage itself.  Soon, I’m following link after link after link, and once again, I’m caught up in the gotta-read-it syndrome.

Time for a new strategy.  I have downloaded a program called LeechBlock for Firefox.  Here is the description on the Mozilla add-ons website:

LeechBlock is a simple productivity tool designed to block those time-wasting sites that can suck the life out of your working day. All you need to do is specify which sites to block and when to block them.

This sounds promising. I’ll enter in the list of all my favorite blogs, and lock myself out of them, so I won’t have to rely on my willpower alone. Voila! Blog addiction cured (or so I hope).  Let’s try it out for the next week or two and see how it goes.

Some of us may not have a radio habit, but definitely have a TV habit.  Writer and entrepreneur Catherine Pratt (of Life with Confidence) asks us: “What are you really using the TV for?”

A lot of people have the TV on simply because they don’t want to deal with the silence. Do you find that you can’t stand the thought of being alone or listening to your own thoughts? If you do, you may find this quote from Byron Katie’s book called, “I Need Your Love – Is That True?” very interesting:

“If you’re afraid to be alone, it means you’re afraid of your thoughts. If you loved your thoughts, you would love to be alone anywhere with them; you wouldn’t have to turn on the radio when you get in the car, or the TV when you get home. The way you relate to your thoughts – that’s what you bring to every relationship you have, including the one with yourself.”

Eventually, I will develop my inner self enough to be comfortable with my own thoughts.  At the end of my 40-day project, I hope to be that much closer to my goal.

* * * * *

Day 10: Since I’m breaking the Christian radio addiction, it’s time to change my listening habits in the car.

My new pastime is scanning the FM dial as I drive through town.   I’ve cleared the gospel-preacher stations off my pre-sets, and I’m rediscovering what “normal” people listen to.

• There’s the dance-pop station that sounds like this:  “S-O-S” … “L-O, L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E” …  “P-p-p-p-poker face” … “Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh”
• There’s the modern-rock station that gives away cash if you can name-that-tune from a 1-second sound clip (I can never guess these!)
• And of course, since we’re in Canada, there’s always the good old CBC.

Still haven’t found my new favorite radio station yet … but I’ll keep looking!

• Slacktivist by Fred Clark (for his ongoing discussion of the Left Behind book series)
• Pharyngula by PZ Myers (biology professor in Minnesota who comments on science and religion)
• Dispatches from the Culture Wars by Ed Brayton (journalist and radio host in Michigan)
• Right Wing Watch by People for the American Way (a progressive political advocacy group)
• and just for fun, Icing by Gala Darling (New Zealand fashionista extraordinaire)

* * * * *

Day 8: It’s been just over a week since I quit the iPod.  Woohoo. Hurray.  I should be celebrating – but I’m not.  Lately, I’ve been feeling rather down on myself, for various reasons, and I can’t use my podcasts to drown out the negative thoughts.  They say exercise is supposed to help lift your mood … but how can I exercise without an iPod to keep me company?  Spending half an hour on the treadmill without anything to listen to – that would drive me crazy.  Bottom line: if I want these blues to go away, I have to deliberately turn my thinking around and fight off the negativity.  I have to look myself in the mirror, and tell myself that I am a capable person and I can do this.

Did I starve from lack of information? Not really.  I caught bits and pieces of news from magazine covers, radio broadcasts, and reading over other people’s shoulders on the bus.

* * * * *

Day 6: At 8:07 AM, I logged in to my blog reader to find 213 unread posts.  So of course, I started reading them all immediately, and buried myself in browser tabs for the next couple of hours. Afterwards, I looked up from the computer screen and asked myself – what had I gained from all that reading? Nothing.  All those political and religious blogs had done nothing to expand my mind; they just reinforced the views I already had.

In comparison, the most rewarding thing I did all day was make dinner – just a simple homemade dinner of potatoes, chicken, and salad, to share with my husband while we watched TV.  That was a far better use of my time than the whole morning I spent reading websites.  After two hours of cooking, you get a hot meal. After two hours of blog reading, you get …. nowhere.

Later that night, we rented the movie Knowing. (Spoilers ahead) Nicolas Cage deciphers a mysterious series of numbers that predict global catastrophes, including the end of the world.  The graphic disaster scenes were hard for me to watch.  It’s disconcerting to know that the planet Earth could be torched by a giant solar flare at any moment. Reminds me of a certain Bible verse about the last days, when “the elements shall melt with fervent heat” (2 Peter 3:10)

And when that day comes – none of these iPods and blogs will matter anymore.

* * * * *

Biggest moment of iPod temptation:  Reading on Right Wing Watch that Tony Perkins was a guest on James Dobson’s radio show this week.  Two Christian-right bigwigs in one podcast, discussing all the hot-button family-values topics (like the hate-crime laws) – how could I resist??  But I did.  (Nothing wrong with downloading it for later, though … ) 

Each morning when I log in to my blog reader, I open up 10-20 tabs with new updates, and of course I have to read them all, otherwise I’ll miss something! And then when that’s finished, another dozen updates have popped up to take their place, so I have to read those too … it never ends!  Before I know it, half my day is gone and I haven’t accomplished anything.

Now, blog-writing is a common enough addiction to merit its own set of posts along the lines of “You know you’re a blog addict when …”

• CoffeeAnyone: 15 Signs That You are a Blog Addict
• Cealagar: Signs of a Blog Addict
• SocialTimes: Confessions of a Blog Addict
• Bellurramki18: How to Identify a Blog Addict
• 365questions: Are You a Blog Addict?

But I don’t see a lot of websites for blog-reading addicts, although there is some degree of overlap; most writers read a ton of other blogs in order to get material for each day’s posts.

In any case, I’m determined to find a solution to this problem.  If I’m quitting the podcast habit, there has to be a way to quit the blog habit too.  It’s the only way I can fully unplug myself from the political/religious media machine.

Here are some starting points:

Juuso says, “Don’t be a blog addict”:

This post might be quite a strange to hear from a blog writers mouth, but I definitely believe in this: Don’t get addicted to blogs. Same as with any other activity: think why you are having that habit or activity. If reading blogs is fun and you are okay with that, then fine – continue doing so. If reading forums is fun and you prefer it that way – then so be it.

But – decide what your goals are:

• Are you doing it for fun? Is this okay for you?
• Are you trying to learn something? (What? Why? Does this habit (blog/forum/articles/book reading benefit you to reach your goals?)

Bellur suggests some possible cures that involve rediscovering what daily life is like offline:

• Remember the days when you got up and the first thing you did was attending to your morning duties like brushing, washing your face … Please start doing it again (in other words, do not switch on the comp first thing in the morning – assuming that you have switched it off last night)
• Enjoy your breakfast (eat with one hand and let the other rest on the table and not browse blogs)
• During free time, clean the house, wash clothes, and pursue your hobby (hope blogging is not on the list) before even thinking of blogs
• Try and learn something new that you have never tried (eg: cooking, gardening, tailoring, painting … to suggest a few)
• If you are a parent, play and spend time with your kid/s
• Go out for a leisurely walk (on roads that don’t have a cyber café) everyday for some time – a stroll in a park advisable.  And don’t take your laptop!

And the Middlewesterner comments:

Unlike the heroin addiction, the cure for the blog addict is not necessarily total abstinence. Rather, as with many sexual addictions, the goal is to change the habit and the mind-set, so that the patient gains control of the activity, rather than allowing the activity to control him.

Is it hopeless? Not necessarily. The loved one of a blog addict needs to:

1. Ensure that the blogger posts no more than once or twice a day.
2. Aid him in reducing the number of blogs he reads – get it down to no more than fifty per day.
3. Assist her in lessening the number of comments she leaves on other blogs to no more ten per day maximum.

These seem to be reasonable standards; anything more has the potential to become extreme and to push the addict out of control again.

“I blog, therefore I am” is a great and dangerous fallacy and the blog addict needs to understand that.

The same writer concludes: “BLOGGING IS NOT LIFE – LIFE IS LIFE.” Well said.

Tomorrow, I intend to take a break from blogs altogether and see what life is like outside the computer screen.  Will let you know what happens.